I’ve never been one to share details of my personal life with colleagues. I went through a divorce over twenty years ago without mentioning it to anyone at work until I asked for a moving day. Even my family, my parents and brother, were mostly unaware as I found and set up a new place to live with my newborn son. These private battles were never made known at work. The island of home was separated from the island of work.
That was until something that happened three years ago when I stepped across the gap between. I tried to build a bridge between home and work allowing distant viewing into some of the mental health challenges I support at home. I have been processing what has happened like a gear, spinning, slipping, and never quite grasping. Not yet grasping what has happened. And, not yet grasping what feels like a betrayal.
My well-meaning colleagues coaxed me to write a letter revealing the personal and how this affected the professional. I was looking for relief from a sudden last minute switch in my timetable to accommodate another teacher, so I certainly thought this was the right move.
But not now.
Sharing personal pain requires an intimate form of trust. The kind where the receiver holds the space for you, allows you to grieve out loud, becomes a witness to your pain. So, when I shared a short email with my admin team and there was no reply, I straddled the canyon of contemplation where a conflagration of interpretations and wild imaginings flourish. Did I move too quickly from not sharing to sharing? Maybe they thought that I was exaggerating to get what I wanted rather than ask for what I needed? I processed and reprocessed what I had written, over and over until I was numb. In truth, I wanted to be numb, because that was much better than the alternative.
Yet, in this processing, I did learn and find something helpful.
Charles Feltman wrote this remarkable book: The Thin Book of Trust: An Essential Primer for Building Trust at Work and Brene Brown interviewed him here: https://brenebrown.com/podcast/trust-building-maintaining-and-restoring-it/
He said that trust is “choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person’s actions.” The spinning icon of my feelings setted and landed on a framework for trust. I thought, I can use this in my life and work practically. I can cross the chasm of my own imagination into something meaningful that puts love out into the world.
Even as I prepare to post, I hesitate, still not fully trusting myself, still slowly processing this personal disaster and this lingering regret.
is_reflecting 
I can truly say that you are one of the most remarkable people on this planet; you always give of yourself generously and entirely to others. You deserve to be supported, valued, and uplifted, in turn.
Trust: A word comprised of 5 small, innocuous letters, but such a terrifying and gorgeous concept in practice. I hope that your surrounding world embraces your trust, respects your vulnerability, and enflames within you an inextinguishable courage that will guide your heart. Remember, amongst all the fog, never forget to also love yourself unconditionally and bravely.
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Aww, thank you so much, Arya. I gain so much from students like you 🙏❤️
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I keep coming back to your blog; you manage to pull me in right away into your writing and stories. I am glad you are processing your life as a holistic venture — not separated into compartments. Hopefully little bits of writing here and there make you feel more together.
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Thank you for sharing such kindness and support, Heidi. I find the same in reading your stories, and feel it remarkable that almost like letters, we’re speaking back and forth and writing back and forth to one another.
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I thank you for overcoming your hesitancy. I find that graphic helpful. Also, I am sorry to hear of your difficulties, and I hope you are able to recover.
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I am and will. We have to. All of us and sharing it here with feedback like yours helps.
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Thank you for sharing this thoughtful slice. I appreciate this line from Feltman: “trust is “choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person’s actions.” It seems that the greater the risk we take (the more vulnerable we are being), the more trust we should have in the people we are sharing with.
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I love the graphic you included! I have been writing on and off about issues regarding my personal life over the last 3 years. Writing is an excellent way to process. I don’t always share what I write with people but I always feel better after I write. It takes time to be brave enough to share events in our personal lives.
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I agree, I feel so much better after I’ve written some thing and I don’t always post here but I find away to understand it in the writing. Time and community help, like your comments here. 🙏
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I hate their response for you – but you know that – and especially because I find you to be completely trustworthy. And I love the venn diagram – sooo useful. And, of course, your writing is amazing. These lines “I can cross the chasm of my own imagination into something meaningful that puts love out into the world” and “I straddled the canyon of contemplation where a conflagration of interpretations and wild imaginings flourish” are gorgeous even as they consider pain.
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Thank you so much for helping me become better in so many ways. ❤️
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Melanie, your post captured so much. It made me think of my own most vulnerable moments. When the words hang in the air and the future hangs in the balance. And you just hope to land on two feet.
You are not alone!
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Still standing and thanks for your kindness, Tim. Made me a bit teary tbh☺️
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I love the way you weave a story without sharing the surface details. Knowing what to share at work is really a balance for me too. Some people overshare and never want to be that person, even though I know they need someone to talk to.
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Trust is so tricky. I felt all your inner conflict. I rethink and over think when waiting for a response too.
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Thank you for sharing this vulnerable moment. Your metaphors are vivid and beautifully crafted. This line stood out- “I straddled the canyon of contemplation where a conflagration of interpretations and wild imaginings flourish”. Just wow.
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Thank you for reading 🙏
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This is a powerful post about the importance of trust in all our relationships.These lines resonated with me, “Sharing personal pain requires an intimate form of trust. The kind where the receiver holds the space for you, allows you to grieve out loud, becomes a witness to your pain.” I am hoping that the silence you are currently receiving is temporary and (perhaps?) awkwardness on admin’s part, and that you receive the trust you deserve. We will have much healthier working environments if we could approach our work as healthily as you describe here. Best wishes!
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Sometimes we write to help heal and I appreciate your response, Doug, but also realize the limitations of this medium; there were more complications not detailed here. I don’t know that anyone involved finding or reading this post will understand, but maybe someone planning to become an administrator will think about the silences which undermine trust. I realize that administrators make tough decisions every day. Maybe this couldn’t have been changed. But maybe I would feel differently if someone had simply replied – “I’m sorry you are going through this.”
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